Tomorrow wear purple. Why? To honor my mother. My mom was a survivor of domestic violence. She endured so much. She is the reason I became a social worker and the past 21 years a therapist helping women and men out of toxic and abusive relationships.
Wear purple tomorrow because after 28 years of marriage my mom finally found her strength and courage to leave a horrifically abusive marriage. She put aside her cultural and religious beliefs that told her to stay. She put aside the judgement she knew she would endure from others, including her closest support, her community of faith. She was raised during a time when women did not have options. As a matter of fact, the very first domestic violence shelter opened in 1974, only a few years before she finally left for fear of her life.
As a therapist, I have worked with countless women (and men) who endure abusive relationships with the hopes that one day their partner will somehow see the light and change. We hang on to hope. People often ask me out of frustration, “why do they stay?” I tell them that we don’t enter a relationship thinking the worst, that we will be ignored, screamed at, gaslighted, manipulated or even worse, hit. We enter a relationship because we fall in love and with the desire for companionship, laughter, safety, trust and a hope to build a future together. We enter a relationship to be seen and have value.
Another reason people stay is an important concept called trauma bonding. Trauma bonding can be defined as an unhealthy attachment to someone who causes you physical, emotional, and/or sexual harm. So how exactly does that attachment occur? There are a few theories regarding the origin. But what we do know is that our brain chemicals are an important factor. We meet that “special someone,” and a combination of dopamine, serotonin and a hormone called norepinephrine explode in our brain creating a powerful neurological imprint. This explosion creates a pleasurable and even euphoric physiological sensation that creates an attachment or “bond” to that person.
When I walk alongside individuals in these relationships, I use two simple terms to define why we stay: “sick safety” and the “oh baby phase.” Sick safety is this: knowing in our rational logical mind that we are in an unhealthy and abusive relationship, but it is familiar to us, and it is all we know. Because of the neurological imprint, somatically our body perceives it as safe and familiar. Sick in our rational mind – but safe somatically. The dissonance between what we know is right and what our body tells us is difficult for us to navigate. Combined with the “oh baby phase,” which I define as when our partner shows a smidge of remorse through their words or actions, our bodies somatically remember the physiological sensation of Love – yes you guessed it, the dopamine /serotonin/norepinephrine connection comes alive. Hope and connection are reestablished, and the cycle continues.
It takes tremendous effort, courage, and vulnerability to face parts of ourselves that keep us stuck in toxic relationships. Judgement & criticism from those closest to us doesn’t help either.
So, wear purple tomorrow not just because it’s domestic violence awareness month, or for my mom. Wear it to honor those who had tremendous courage to walk away from all types of unhealthy relationships. To rid themselves of their trauma bond once and for all, finding a new sense of joy, freedom and healing. Lastly, wear it to honor those who have left and are now in the process of grieving & healing from the loss of what was supposed to be: a relationship filled with safety, value, laughter, joy, companionship and a future.